Music is the poetry of the air- Sviatoslav Ritcher

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Love is all you need?

Today I feel calm, and anxious all at the same time. I went to bed feeling horrible. I realized that I had single handedly destroyed what I wanted the most. I broke someone down by being so needy that they didn't want to take it anymore. First I was okay with splitting up because I knew that it was the right thing and I thought I could convince myself eventually we would be happier when we figured out what we wanted. Then I lost it and did some really "rotten things" (his words not mine, but he was right on the money anyway) and I broke what I had left even more. I went back on my words to him, and I fully understood why he had left me in he first place. I wasn't what he wanted, I wasn't good looking enough, I wasn't handsome enough, I was too up tight, I was too clingy. I was just horrible to him and I'm amazed he even stayed with me for as long as he did.

Today I woke up with a sense of renewed hope. I hang on to a lot of things. Like love and hope. Cause I'm a romantic and it's awesome being a romantic because everyone thinks your cute, just not what todays media and world view wants us to think. We don't want cute, we want our nasty dirty hot sex in a bathroom stall on the edge of our fantasy kind of things. I guess maybe thats what he wants I don't know and I really hope he finds it. Cause I love him, still do even though I was horrible to him, and right now I just want him to be happy and find what he's looking for. I mean secretly I want that to be me, but I'm gonna have to accept the fact that it may not be that way. It's tough but I have to do it for myself and for him.

"Love is like a stubborn youth, which you'd rather just deny" - La Roux
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ew_c5ewoVQk&feature=avmsc2
La Roux is my go to band now a days. They always seem to know just what to say. And it helps that there is an awesome keyboard solo in every single song! I'm probably gonna run myself silly over this man but I can't help it. He was the first person I ever felt really happy with, and I know it was the same for him for a while. I know now it was my fault that things went down the way they did, and I can't apologize enough to him for it.

Love may be all you need, but right now I have myself, and it's rough but were makin it work.

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1 comment:

  1. AnyaJuly 29, 2010 at 1:48 PM

    negative, you have yourself, you have me, you have MB, you have Nate (well you might have Nate if he hasn't literally fallen off the face of the planet) and most importantly you have God. You are not alone my dear and you know that. There is a reason for all that you've gone through, truly there is. And it is not all your fault, there are multiple reasons for why things happened the way they did, but it is not just your fault. You're going to be just fine, in the future these challenges will just be a stepping stone into a much happier time.
    On that note I should say, the bathroom stall stuff... no comment.
    However after googling Guy Pearce, I concur!
    I love you, always know that, cause we're a family, no matter what crazy crap happens, we're a family. I mean think about it, if the Italians can do it, we can too!

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